The Elusive

Somewhere, way back when, at a time that I thought I knew where I was going and even had a road map to chart the course, I lost my way. I ran into blank walls and dead ends. I followed false twists and turns moving, always moving, but failing in my attempt to get where I wanted to be and I ended up here and here is not the place where I expected I would end up. When this time in my life is supposed to be filled with the joy of family, laughter, grand-kids and a slower pace; I find heartache, stress, pain and trials instead. This is not the destination I imagined. Where did I miss the trail? At what point did I drift? Can I fix blame on someone or something other than me? Was the map wrong the path ill-marked? Did some prankster move a sign post and cause me to travel in a direction I was not wishing to go?

Ah, that would be the easy thing, wouldn't it? To play the blame game and put the onus on another frees me from responsibility and lessens my guilty burden. But it's not to be. I know. I can say what I like to others, but deep down in the recesses of my heart I know. Blame can't be like the Olympics Torch, passed from one to another. There comes a time when I or you, as the case may be, must accept the fact that we made the decisions that brought us to this place. I brought about the unchangeable, that dreaded immutable past that pushed me inexorably onward to this place, with its tears, its stress, its pain and heartache. And the truth of how I got here makes it all the more painful, all the more unbearable. So...

So, with sagging shoulders, bent and slowly shaking head, puffy eyes and tightness of the chest I ask, "How does one change the immutable?"

Crazy! What a crazy question. Immutable things cannot change. That's the reason they are called immutable. If there were a possibility of change they would not be called immutable. So, what then? This is the terrible part of the whole thought process. If the immutable is before you and tearing you apart, urging you to think crazy escape thoughts because of the nature of this beast and you find you must do something... What do you do?

I have known those who have escaped. They listened to their own craziness and followed the path that seemed the only one left them. I cannot say if they found themselves better off. I can only say that they found themselves dead. Is that ever the answer? If the only path in the battle seems to be kamikaze, is it reasonable to take such a course? The conflict, the contention, the back and forth of Hamlet three leaves one wondering if anything is noble or, as the teacher said, "Smoke, nothing but smoke. There's nothing to anything—it's all smoke." (The Message) Yes. Smoke. This would be easy to accept. Then it wouldn't matter. Noble. Ignoble. Love. Hate. Guilty. Mercy. Forgiveness. All of these would just be words; They would be meaningless, smoke, nothing but smoke. But reason says these are more than words and something must be done.

So, for more than just me, the quest continues; dreaming the impossible and fighting the unbeatable leaves one broken and in need of someone who, though he may not take away the past, gives us the one thing that makes it all bearable and takes away the emptiness and hara-kiri thoughts. So we ask, who is it and what does he give? Where can I find him? Will he accept me?

When I was young Bob Lind sang about the "Elusive Butterfly." That there was love, somewhere, and he needed to find it was his message. And it's surely love that we need and it's an arduous task to find such a thing, though we do feel hints and pieces of it here and there. Yet, there is the most dangerous aspect of love that we really need and it's the most difficult for us to receive. We can give it and even mean it when we do, but to get it, well, that's another thing altogether. Don Henley calls it "The Heart of the Matter." It's offered in abundance by the Great I Am, and we surely need it from Him, but we need it from one another also and it's too terribly evasive and dangerous for one to give lightly - though no one wishes for the "light" version of it. So it's rarely given.

Forgiveness. Is there anything we need more? Forgiveness. We use the word, but it's more than a word. It's the one thing that changes everything. The past? Forget about it! That's forgiveness. If the past is still an issue, there is no forgiveness. This is what is so dangerous about forgiveness. To say I've forgiven you means our relationship to each other and the past has changed forever. We can say it and even believe it, but if the past is still an issue there has been no change of heart and no real forgiveness. The real thing demonstrates itself in a multitude of ways.

The I am called to His Father, "Forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing." And then He sent His messengers to invite them to His house. They murdered Him and He spoke comforting words to them, forgave them and made everything brand new. The past was taken away because they were new creations. Strained relationships became strong relationships. They and He became one fulfilling, "that they all may be one, Father, as I am in you and you are in me that they may be one in Us."

But, but... For so many spouses, parents, children, brothers, sisters, families and friends... no forgiveness. No change. No renewal. No burying of the past, for it's a dead thing. No hope for anything better because of the bitter. No. No. No...

So the sagging shoulders, bent head, puffy eyes and tight chest linger and the most elusive of butterfly traits remains elusive. Forgiveness is not found and without it, I'm ready to go.